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FAZE
MAGAZINE's readers bare their souls to Ed & Red, Canada's
high priest and priestess of morality, etiquette and common sense. Here are
Ed & Red's unfettered and heartfelt replies.
Send your own questions to ed@fazeteen.com
and hopefully Ed & Red will be able to answer in the next issue of
Faze.
Winter2001
Spring2002
Summer2002
Fall2002 Winter2002
Faze
Reader:
My boyfriend smokes and I hate it! He says he'll stop if you
do. So, whaddya say? Not to mention you're setting a bad example!
ED REPLIES:
Tell yer boyfriend that I don't really smoke, since I have no lungs.
He'll understand that, since he has no brain. Or you can dump the
stupid jackass and find someone who can think for himself.
As for setting a bad example, do people run off cliffs expecting
to float until they look down, because Wile E. Coyote does? Does
Superman set a bad example because he encourages people to jump
off buildings? Natural selection exists for a purpose.
Faze
Reader:
What's up with trashing boy bands? Music is all about money these
days, so they make music that will make money. What's wrong with
that? If someone offered you tons of cash to sing and hop around
on stage you'd do it too!
ED REPLIES:
Yes, I would, and people would rightfully make fun of me as well.
If boy bands were honest and called themselves 'entertainers' instead
of pretending to be people with any shred of musical talent, I might
go easier on them. Mostly, I object to the way the record companies
have turned music from heartfelt expressions of artists into another
corporate Happy Meal - processed like cheese food, slick as plastic
and devoid of artistry. And the big boy band hits you listen to
on the radio are practically all written by the same forty-year-old
guy. Why aren't you screaming for him?
For the record, I don't just trash boy bands -- Limp Bizkit and
Eminem piss me off for the exact same reasons.
Faze
Reader:
I'm 16 and my curfew is still only 10pm. This is totally ruining
my social life. How do I get my parents to see the light?
ED REPLIES:
Listen, curfews suck big time, but there's an upside to them. It
means that your parents actually care, unlike so many parents who
let their kids run around like savages from Lord of the Flies. Trust
me, in the end, you're better off.
As to why they won't let you have a later curfew...well, maybe they're
remembering what they were like at your age, which makes you wonder
what kind of trouble they were into. Try introducing them to your
friends so they know the crowd you're running with (bad idea if
the kids are morons, but then you should dump them anyway).
The most important thing is this: if you want to be treated like
an adult, act like one. Show your parents (and yourself) that you
can make responsible decisions, and maybe they'll loosen the reins
a bit. Coming home blitzed and puking up vodka coolers for 3 hours
is not the way to earn their trust. . . believe me.
Faze
Reader:
My friends and I have been known to down a couple drinks…however,
one buddy can't seem to hold his liquor and is constantly acting
like an idiot when he's had too many. I don't want to sound like
his keeper but how do I get him to take it easy without sounding
like his mom?
ED REPLIES:
Next time he's drunk, take some embarrassing pictures of him with
an inflatable sheep and post them around the school. Trust me, he'll
watch himself after that.
Faze
Reader:
What has been your most embarrassing moment on air?
ED REPLIES:
MUCHMusic SPORTS DAY!
Faze
Reader:
If you could spend your entire show trashing someone who would it
be and why?
ED REPLIES:
IF I could? Have you seen my show? What is it that you think I do?
But I really can't stand Britney Spears. I have this aversion to
girls who act like tramps then preach innocence. It's called 'hypocrisy',
look it up. Plus, fake boobs are not the way to go.
Faze
Reader:
You do a lot of celeb bashing. Have you ever been threatened
by one of their over-protective fans?
ED REPLIES:
Yes, several times. But it's hard to feel threatened by a mob of
angry 12 year-old *NSync fans. They can't do a drive-by shooting
unless Dad is driving.
Faze
Reader:
What is your fave T.V. show?
ED REPLIES:
Touched By An Angel. Ha! Just kidding. I don't believe in having
one favourite of anything. But I really like Dark Angel, NYPD Blue,
Sanford & Son reruns and anything I'm on.
Check
out Ed's new compilation CD!
Featuring "songs that don't suck"
(With tracks from Sum 41, Swollen Members, Gob, Bif Naked, LiveOnRelease
and more)
SPRING
2002 ISSUE
Faze Reader:
My girlfriend wants to 'style' me. She doesn't like me
wearing my oversized baggy pants really low and wants to give me
a new look. How do I get her to back off? Besides, I think I look
slammin'!
ED REPLIES:
You look slammin', do you? First thing you should 'style' is your
language - you sound like a moron.
Personally, I think the baggy pants look is ridiculous, and in a
few years when you look at pictures from now, so will you. But as
for your girlfriend...well, relationships are about compromise,
but how you dress is an outward expression of who you are (or else
what your friends are wearing) and she shouldn't be tampering with
it. You can compromise and change your pants, or she can compromise
and learn that every partner will have things you don't like and
have to accept. Your clothes aren't hurting anybody, so she should
be less concerned with your pants and more interested in what's
in them. Um, wait, that didn't come out right...I mean who's in
them...you get it, right?
Faze
Reader:
I have to give up smoking if I want to hang with my new girl
because she isn't into it, but I don't wanna looked whipped in front
of the guys - what should I do?
ED REPLIES:
Seems to me you're already whipped - by the guys.
Real men don't let other people's attitudes determine their behaviour.
And real men also don't expect their friends to mimic everything
they do. So you have to decide - do you want to act like a man,
or hang with the boys? Break away from the hive-mind, let them suck
cancer sticks while you're sucking face.
Faze
Reader:
My friend dumped her boyfriend last year and said he was off
limits to any of her friends. Her ex and I have recently started
hanging out and I'd love to date him. Should I back off and potentially
miss true love?
ED REPLIES:
If you're a teenager, the potential for "true love" arises
every 5 minutes. But I think a year is more than enough time for
your friend to get over this guy...chances are she's on her third
boyfriend since him. You've respected her feelings, now it's time
for her to consider yours. If she can't, she's not much of a friend.
Faze
Reader:
My friend is constantly borrowing money from me. It's never a
lot at one time, maybe a buck or two, but it adds up! How do I say
no when he's only asking for 'change to buy a bag of chips'?
ED REPLIES:
By saying no.
Faze
Reader:
I'm attracted to a guy my friends have made fun of in
the past. I think he's kinda into me too. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
Well, that depends on whether they made fun of him for some stupid,
catty reason, or because he had a strange intimacy with small animals.
If it's the former, well, read what I said in items 2 & 3 and
apply that advice to your situation. See? There's a test on this
stuff already.
Faze
Reader:Our school has banned wearing baseball caps and
hats!! They claim it is to help reduce 'gang related garments'.
What next? No jewellery? No name brand running shoes? Is this going
too far or is it just me?!
ED REPLIES:
It's not going too far - it's going in the wrong direction. You
don't stop gang violence by banning hats. But it's a typical response
by an out-of-touch establishment. Instead of addressing the real
problems, they ban hats and jewellery - and somehow feel they're
accomplishing something. Hats don't kill people, people kill people.
They should try dealing with the root causes of the problems, not
the window-dressing.
Faze
Reader:
What's the first thing you'd do if you won a million dollars?
ED REPLIES:
I'm not interested in winning a million dollars - I'd rather earn
it. The lottery is nothing more than a tax on the stupid. You want
to be rich? Work for it.
SUMMER
2002 ISSUE
Faze Reader:
I want to make a good impression on my first date with this girl
I've been after for the last four months. Any suggestions for a
romantic and unforgettable date?
ED REPLIES:
Well, 'romantic' and 'unforgettable' are not always tied together.
Hugh Grant's date with Divine Brown was likely unforgettable, but
hardly romantic. You could start with flowers, candlelight, soft
music...but you probably shouldn't. Women hate nothing more than
a guy who tries too hard. A woman likes to know you listen to her,
so pick a place or activity based on things she's told you she likes.
Romance can be just as potent while looking through old record stores
and thrift shops as it is at a fancy dinner. Real romance comes
from chemistry between two people...and it's either there or it
isn't.
Faze
Reader:
My boyfriend is great in every way except...he's got
staaank bad breath! I've given him a lot of not-so-subtle hints
but he still doesn't seem to get it! How should I handle it without
embarrassing him?
ED REPLIES:
You could eat a lot of cheap Mexican food and use
the toilet at his place, and when he complains about the smell,
tell him, "Look who's talking!" You may also want to remind
him that the Geneva Convention forbids gas warfare. Or you could
leave this magazine open near him, with this portion circled. But
if you've got a decent relationship, just tell him. The embarrassment
will fade as the kissing increases.
Faze
Reader:
Hey Ed, my girl is ALWAYS late! We missed the beginning
of the last four movies we went to and her excuses were really lame.
I'm ready to say 'see ya'. Should I?
ED REPLIES:
Listen, most movies are crap-on-a-stick, but a decent girlfriend
you click with is a rarity. Wait for the movie to come out on DVD.
And get used to it - it's pretty typical for guys to 'get there'
first.
Faze
Reader:
My new girlfriend lets her dog slobber-kiss her all over
her lips and face. It is absolutely disgusting! Later when she wants
to get 'friendly', I keep thinking about the dog thing and get really
turned off. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
First of all, you should know that a dog's mouth actually has
less bacteria and stuff than a human's mouth, so if anyone should
be disgusted by your girlfriend's kisses, it's the dog. But look
at it this way - dog's give very wet and sloppy kisses, so by comparison,
you must seem like the world's greatest kisser. As long as the dog
gets the kissing and you get the petting, I wouldn't worry.
Faze
Reader:
When my boyfriend and I are alone he is so affectionate.
He holds my hand, plays with my hair, etc. But when his boys are
around I'm lucky if he'll stand next to me. What's up with that?
ED REPLIES:
Half of me is thinking, "Good for him," because there's
nothing tackier than people in public writhing on each other like
animals in heat. On the other hand, though, he's probably afflicted
with that stupid old attitude that showing affection to a girl in
front of his friends isn't 'macho'. Truth is, worrying about what's
'macho' isn't 'macho', and real men can show feelings without being
girly-men...just don't start crying at chick flicks, that's going
a little too far.
Faze
Reader:
I am soo sick of this 'equal opportunity' crap! Whoever
is the most qualified should get the job. End of story. Why hire
someone who is less qualified just because they are female, a visible
minority or handicapped. What does this accomplish?
ED REPLIES:
Affirmative action started because people were too stupid to
just hire the most qualified person for the job - they hired the
person who was most-male and most-white. 'Equal Opportunity' is
just that -- giving people of all backgrounds the same footing in
getting a job. Maybe you find this hard to believe, but there are
people who are qualified for jobs who are also women, visible minorities
or handicapped. And if you think every white person who has a job
is the person best qualified for it, come visit me at work one afternoon.
Morons galore.
Faze
Reader:
My friend buys way too expensive stuff - sandals $160,
t-shirt $45, jeans $210. Then she complains she can't afford a movie!
How do I tell her to slow down on the shopping without sounding
jealous?
ED REPLIES:
Well, look at it this way: the movie she'll see once, the clothes
she'll wear repeatedly. If you amortize the cost of, say, her sandals,
over the number of times she'll wear them, it probably costs her
less per-use for the sandals than the $15 or so it costs to see
a one-time movie. So maybe she has the right idea, and you're the
spendthrift?
Faze
Reader:
When we go to concerts my friend gets freaky! She screams, cries,
pulls her hair and sometimes flashes! I get soooo embarrassed! How
do I tone her down?
ED REPLIES:
Videotape her and put it on the Internet so she can see how
stupid she looks. Add a 'member's section', you could make some
good money.
FALL
2002 ISSUE
Faze Reader:
I've known this girl since grade three and we're 16 now. She keeps
trying to hang out with me and my new friends. She's nice and everything
but she's sooo not cool and dresses like a loser. How do I get her
to get lost?
ED REPLIES:
Just point out to her that you're a vapid, shallow, insecure moron
who cares more about the content of someone's closet than the content
of their character. She probably won't stick around much longer.
Faze
Reader:
My friend's family has three cats. They lavish them with every
feline luxury imaginable. The amount of money they spend on their
cats is unbelievable and I know they give donations to animal shelters.
Should it bother me that her animals live better than many humans?
ED REPLIES:
I think Mark Twain said it best: "The more people I meet, the
more I like animals." The more I work in TV, the more I agree
with him. Remember, feline luxury pretty much consists of catnip
toys and a sunbeam through the window: not that big a deal. Besides,
companion animals are proven effective for stress relief, so it's
better than your friends spending their money on drugs.
Faze
Reader:
This girl, who pretends to be my friend, constantly makes me
feel like an out-of-touch wannabe. Whenever I wear something that
I think looks great, she says something like, "I stopped wearing
my stuff like that last year." I never know what to say.
ED REPLIES:
I can think of two words to say, but we can't publish one of them
here. The question isn't what you should say, but why you're even
letting her hang around-or even more importantly, why you're letting
someone who you know isn't someone you respect affect your sense
of self. She can't make you feel anything: you have to let her.
And besides, fashion is cyclical-you're just ahead of the trend.
Faze
Reader:
My friend and I have the same pair of very cool boots (that I
bought first and she copied!). She has the nerve to call me to tell
me not to wear mine when she wants to wear hers. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
There are people living on the streets, children going to bed hungry,
wars, famine, terrorism…and you're worried about a pair of
boots? Maybe you and your friend should arrange a schedule so you
don't wear the same boots on the same day, and then also take turns
being thankful that this is the biggest problem you have to face
in your sheltered little lives.
Faze
Reader:
My younger brother is kinda cute I guess and lately I've noticed
some of my friends hanging out with him when they supposedly came
over to hang with me. I would be totally grossed out if one of my
friends ever dated him! Should I tell them not to go there or should
I warn my brother!
ED REPLIES:
Warn your brother? What kind of friends are you hanging around with?
Besides, if he's like most adolescent guys, he won't be able to
hear your warning over the rush of hormones he gets when a girl
even looks in his direction.
You may want to point out to your friends that boys mature more
slowly than girls - when they mature at all-so though he's cute
as a puppy, nobody likes to be stuck with the house-training. Or
you could just show them his room and his dirty underwear…that
should end their interest.
Faze
Reader:
My boyfriend is really cute and I'm definitely into him but he
doesn't have a great voice and he likes to sing when we're around
my friends. But that's not the problem, he sings stuff from the
BSB and *NSYNC!! How do I get him to change his tune?
ED REPLIES:
Well, I don't know how old he is, but chances are when puberty finally
changes his voice he won't be able to match the notes in BSB songs
anymore. If you can't wait that long, have your friends tell him
he sucks, so he'll hate them and not you. Remember, discretion is
the better part of valour.
WINTER
2002 ISSUE
Faze Reader:
My boyfriend wants me to dress like a hottie from a Nelly
video when we go out. I'm not comfortable in that kinda stuff but
I don't want to lose him. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
Is he going to wear that stupid band-aid on his cheek when he's
with you? Any decent boyfriend won't pressure you to do anything
you're not comfortable with. That applies to pushing you to parade
around in clothes you don't like just so he can boost his ego. He's
overcompensating for his tiny self-esteem...or another tiny thing
he has.
Faze
Reader:
My friend always waits until the last minute to firm up plans
with me. I know she's waiting to see if any better offers come along.
She's really cool and I like hanging out with her but I'm tired
of being the back-up plan. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
Simple - don't be. If she can't commit, find someone who will. This
applies to boys too, by the way.
Faze
Reader:
My girlfriend's birthday is coming up and I don't have a lot
of cash to spend on her. Any suggestions?
ED REPLIES:
Why should money matter? If she's understanding, she'll know your
financial means and be happy with any sincere gesture or tiny gift
you offer. If she's not understanding, quit wasting your time and
what little money you have on the brat.
Faze
Reader:
My friend likes to copy someone else's look. Right now she's
into Avril Lavigne and wears a tie everyday. What should I do to
get her to be herself?
ED REPLIES:
Lots of young people help find themselves through identifying with
other people. It's kind of natural. She'll eventually find what
really expresses who she is, but until then, make sure you take
lots of pictures to embarrass her with when you're older. Ask any
adult who was a fan of A Flock of Seagulls or Duran Duran for their
high school photos - you'll see what I mean.
Faze
Reader:
I have this teacher who goes out of her way to make me look like
an idiot. If I get a question wrong in class she always has a stupid
comment ready, like that chick from The Weakest Link. What should
I do?
ED REPLIES:
In short, report her to the principal. Teachers are supposed to
be encouraging you, not demeaning you. Ask others in class if they
notice the teacher treating you badly. If so, document it and go
to her. If that doesn't work, get your parents and go to the principal.
Most teachers are good people but, like any profession, there are
some real jerks mixed in.
Plus - work hard to get good grades. Success is the best revenge.
Faze
Reader:
I'm overweight and I know it, but I still choose to wear
tight, sexy clothes anyways. My friend said she "just had to
tell me" that I don't look good in them. I feel great wearing
my stuff and think I look great in them. What should I do?
ED REPLIES:
It takes a really good friend to tell you truths you don't want
to hear. The thing about clothes is, there is no such thing as 'sexy
clothes'. I've seen women in lingerie that look terrible, and some
women who can make a burlap sack look alluring. Clothes are sexy
when they flatter you, and emphasize your good points. You need
to find clothing that accentuates your positive attributes rather
than drawing attention to less flattering areas. Not all clothing
is made for every body type. Plus, you should work on your weight.
Not for aesthetic reasons, but for health reasons.
Faze
Reader:
I'm in love with my Internet mystery guy! He's sweet,
funny, smart and we have tons in common. He wants to meet me at
the mall. I really want to see what he looks like but what if he's
ugly? How will I get rid of him?
ED REPLIES:
Here's a better question - what do you do when you find out he's
40? People on the Internet aren't always what they seem…in
fact, rarely are. A real relationship is built on a human dynamic,
not by punching keys on a keyboard. Regardless of what you may think
you have in common, how people write and how they act are often
two different things. Go out and meet real human beings, and save
the net for schoolwork, music or games.
Faze
Reader:
I really like my friend but I think she's inconsiderate. She
always 'forgets' we were supposed to meet after school or at the
mall and I'm left standing and waiting around. Once she forgot to
meet me at a movie and I went in alone and felt like a loser! What
should I do?
ED REPLIES:
First of all, you're never a loser for doing something by yourself
- the real losers are people who are too insecure to be comfortable
with their own company.
As for your
friend - nobody 'forgets' things that often unless they have a
memory disorder. So you can either get her help, or recognize
that she is blowing you off for 'better things' that come up.
TOP
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